The Mother of All Critiques

My dread of swimsuit shopping is so very real, that prior to July of this year, I was wearing the same swimsuit I bought 3 years ago from among a heaping pile of ugly suits in the Costco warehouse. Sure, after three years of excessive wear, the leg elastic stretched out so badly that I had to constantly extract it from my booty, but that fat-mashing material around the tummy was enough to keep me comfortably covered where I needed it most. Nevermind that I looked like someone's grandma; it worked.

Anything to avoid swimsuit shopping year after agonizing year. Anything.

But then I gave it some thought. Even though I am a 36 year-old mother of two young boys and I don’t expect much universal sex appeal at the beach from this post-partum body and all its stretch-marked glory, I do want to appear younger than my bathing suit makes me seem. I may not be a 20-something college co-ed anymore, but isn’t there a happy medium? A way to look attractive without showing off every stretch mark and the fact that my ample bosom is nearing my navel from all the nursing?

O Magazine (that bible of stay-at-home mothers everywhere) had a special section this past May on flattering swimsuits and some even looked very promising. But our budget does not come anywhere near $100 for a swimsuit. It just doesn’t. Perhaps that makes me different from the average mom, but I hate to think that paying for me to buy one swimsuit will cut into our ability to pay for our children’s swimming lessons. That is the reality for many of us in this economy, sad but true.

I had given up hope and assumed I was destined to wear that all-black Costco Granny Suit from Hell forever.

Never did I think that K-Mart, of all places, would provide the swimsuit of my (over 35) dreams. And I would think that Jaclyn Smith, one of the original Charlie’s Angels, would be the last woman on the planet to create it.

And I look exactly like this when I wear it!

It has a halter top, but with reinforced ribbing and an extra-strong tie around the neck to keep The Girls in their place. The flirty little black skirt that goes with it looks fun and girly and not at all like it exists to compensate for trouble spots (but oh it does! It does! Inner thigh fat? Check. Ample hips? Covered!) The very first time I wore this suit, I basked in compliment after compliment. And at $20 for both pieces, the price could not be better.

For the first time in three years, I knew I had summer made. That I could wear my swimsuit with confidence. So I did, everywhere I went that had even the slightest trace of water. Recently, I wore it to a pool party thrown by a local mom whom I had never met in person before, from my online mom's group. We had a grand afternoon splashing and playing and me rockin' it in my hawt new swimsuit.

Fast-forward to earlier this week. Local members of our online group congregated for a book club meeting (where the book is incidental and the hours are mostly spent dishing and giggling and enjoying being with friends). Swim Party Mom pulled up at the curb at the same time I did, so we walked in together.

"DID YOU LOSE A TON OF WEIGHT?" She asked in that fantastically back-handed compliment/insult kind of way. "You look FABULOUS!" I told her no, and her response will be forever immortalized in my mind:

"Well, then you need to throw that bathing suit away! It is NOT doing you any favors! Sorry, but it is true."

And really, how does one follow up to a comment like that? "Gee, thanks, because I totally revel in my swimsuit shopping sessions, and I aim for the least flattering suit. I am so grateful that you noticed!"

I think I just stammered until we reached the door of the hostess' house. I haven't had occasion to wear the suit since that interaction. A part of me wants to throw it away and never go swimming again. But the louder part, the part that has grown up and grown some confidence somehow, is tempted to put on that swimsuit and parade around town like I own it. Because one person's opinion shouldn't change the way I feel about myself.

Right?